It’s October, which means that it’s “Zombie Awareness Month.” So the question is, ‘Are you ready for the Zombie Apocalypse?’ If the answer is no, then I’m doing my civic duty by helping you be ready. Here is a list of ten ways to prepare yourself for this upcoming disaster:
Food, water, first aid kits, flashlights, batteries, TOILET PAPER—any necessity that you will need an abundance of. (Shampoo and deodorant are optional.) And of course—Weapons! Lots and lots of weapons: machetes, baseball bats, crowbars, shovels, sledgehammers, hedge trimmers, (anything really that you can use to kill a zombie), and guns—big guns, little guns, guns-guns-guns! And BULLETS! Lots and lots of bullets!
#2 Shooting Range
Practice! Nothing is more dangerous than a maniac with a gun, than a maniac with a gun who doesn’t know how to use it. Practice—especially headshots.
#3 Hit the Gym
Workout—mold your body into a zombie-killing machine. And build your ability to run!—perhaps nothing is as crucial as being able to outrun the brain-hungry menace—“cardio-cardio-cardio!”
#4 Build Safe House
Underground, in a cave, on top of a mountain—somewhere secluded, and preferably high ground or deep enough into the earth so that you can leave an abundance of booby traps.
#5 Plant a Garden
Barbwire fences, landmines, tiger pits—anything that will slow down the zombies’ advance and take a few of them out. DISCLOSURE: leave warning signs by any and all booby traps. Zombies can’t read, and your neighbors would appreciate not becoming a victim of a zombie defense. However, don’t worry about the neighborhood cat, you need some way to test and see if your traps work, right?
Get yourself some Twinkies! Hey, it’s hard to believe, but Twinkies actually have an expiration date, and you never know when “Life’s little Twinkie gauge is gonna go… empty.”
#8 Get rid of the Family Pet
I’m sorry, this will not be an easy task, but it’s needed in order to survive. Fluffy might be cute and cuddly now, but once affected with zombism, Fluffy won’t think twice about ripping your throat out. Sorry, but Fluffy needs to go.
#9 Buy Treadmills
#10 Acceptance and Carry Out Advice #1-#9
You need to accept that a Zombie Apocalypse is inevitable! It’s not some hoax like the Loch Ness Monster or Global Warming, the Zombie Apocalypse will happen! So accept it, and be ready! Prepare yourself; otherwise, you’ll be target practice for someone else who took this blog more seriously.